Why Can't You Just Do It?
by Sarah1281
Summary: To say that Alistair is reluctant to do the Dark Ritual is an understatement. Fortunately, he's just had a brilliant idea: his mage friend and fellow Warden Caunira Surana can do the ritual with him instead, right? Right? Not exactly...


Why Can't You Just Do It?

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age.

Alistair Theirin was leaning against his bedpost, counting the cracks in the ceiling when Caunira Surana walked in. It would have probably been more comfortable to do this while lying in bed but he hadn't undressed yet and so the armor would have made things rather uncomfortable. "I didn't expect you to still be up," he greeted her when she made no move to speak.

Caunira raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Really? Not only are you yourself still up and in full armor but we only left Riordan's room twenty minutes ago."

Oh, but she did have a point. "…You looked tired," he said lamely.

Caunira ignored the excuse in favor of beginning to explain her reasons for being in his room. "So, you know how you were complaining earlier about how me engaging you to Anora probably dooms you to die a virgin?"

Alistair grimaced at the reminder of his bride-to-be. Anora wasn't the _worst_ choice in a wife and she was certainly good at what she did but even if she was beautiful and her evil father was dead he had to say that he was not a fan. Still, he supposed he'd have to get used to the idea eventually as Anora told him that should he survive the Blight then they'd be married in six months time. It was almost enough to volunteer to do the deed, to be honest, and Alistair had the strange suspicion that Eamon knew exactly what he was thinking. "That was actually the _least _of my reservations about this but it's so good of you to notice."

"Any time, Alistair," Caunira said absently as she nervously tucked a strand of her long dark hair behind her ears. Caunira didn't really _get_ nervous and so this instantly put him on alert. "Well, Morrigan and I were talking and she's decided to sleep with you."

Alistair's eyes widened in horror. He briefly considered the possibility that she was joking but if she was then it was, quite frankly _not funny_ and she would know better than to lie about something like that. But…this didn't make any…no. It was really hard to try and think about this through his growing repulsion. "What? How…very nice…" he managed to say at last. "Sadly, I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline her oh-so-generous offer."

"It's important," Caunira said firmly.

"Not to worry, Caunira. I spent my teenage years resigning myself to die a virgin. I'll be fine," Alistair told her, trying to sound light-hearted. Maker knows that that probably wasn't why she was mentioning this but it was how she had brought the subject up and so if she wanted to stall then he would and maybe if he stalled for long enough then he wouldn't ever need to face this.

Caunira looked at him almost pityingly, perhaps having some idea of how much this idea was deeply disturbing him. "I don't want to die tomorrow," she blurted.

Alistair's shoulders relaxed marginally. That was what this was all about? He should have known, really, but that still made her request that he sleep with Morrigan a bit – a bit? Who was he kidding? – of a non sequitur. "You won't have to. Riordan said he'd take the final blow."

Caunira just stared at him for a moment as if she couldn't believe that he actually thought that Riordan's assurance that he'd sacrifice could be counted on. "Riordan didn't seem to notice Loghain's infamous paranoia about Orlesians – which some people in **Orzammar** asked me about – and he's got an accent no matter what he might claim about being from Ferelden. He's spent the last few months languishing away in Howe's dungeon. He also can't be bothered to tell us relevant information in a timely manner. You can bet that if I knew we'd need a human sacrifice to feed to the Archdemon tomorrow, I wouldn't have beheaded Loghain," she said flatly.

Alistair growled at the mere idea of that traitor not being cut down like he deserved at the Landsmeet. His only regret about the way things had played out was that he hadn't been able to do the deed personally but Caunira had some ridiculous notion about how Anora might not marry him if he killed her father and so insisted on beheading the former hero herself. "If Riordan can't do it then I will," he volunteered.

Caunira snorted. "Not sodding likely."

"Why not?" Alistair asked, puzzled. She had _just_ said that she didn't want to die, after all, and it wasn't like he was going to fight Riordan for the right to do it.

"Because you're going to be the King!" Caunira reminded him as he could forget. That had been his mind so Eamon had suggested it, doubly so now that it was official and not just a terrifying possibility. She made a face. "That, as much as it pains me to admit it, makes me more expendable than you."

"I disagree but we can talk more about that after you explain what the idea of me and…and _her_ has to do with wanting to live," Alistair told her. She had carried them this far and without her he honestly had no idea what he would have done, alone and lost in the Korcari Wilds with only two crazy and evil apostates for company and the terrible knowledge that he really was all alone… "I mean, unless you thought that doing this would make me suicidal but I already volunteered and you nixed that idea."

"If you sleep with Morrigan, the Archdemon can die without taking one of us with it. I'd do it myself if I could, but I'm not a guy so I can't," Caunira explained, sounding far too calm and matter-of-fact about this for Alistair's tastes.

"How do you figure that?" he asked tightly.

Caunira shrugged disinterestedly. "Some kinky sex ritual of Flemeth's."

Alistair blanched. "The thought of this ritual being Flemeth's bothers me on so many levels."

"I aim to please," Caunira deadpanned. "Look, I'm really not sure on the specifics of this ritual because Morrigan was being cagier than usual."

"But why a **sex** ritual?" Alistair was having a great deal of difficult getting over that part, particularly as he would have to be the one to actually do the deed with their would-be savior. "I mean, I'm hardly an expert or anything but the only explanation I can think of for why sex would have to be involved would be if a child were to be created and we all know that she's not have that."

Caunira didn't reply but her already not pleased expression turned positively grim.

Alistair's heart sank. "She…she's after a child, isn't she?" Just what the Kingdom needed, another bastard with its sights on the throne.

"She'll probably make a better mother than Flemeth?" Caunira offered lamely.

"That's kind of like saying you make a better Warden then Jory. It may be true, but it's not really saying much," Alistair pointed out, his mind racing. "And why would conceiving a child save us anyway? I don't see how a new life being created would prevent the Old God's soul from going…into…wait." His eyes found Caunira's and he silently pleaded with her to tell him that he was just imagining everything. No such luck as she quickly looked away.

"Look on the bright side, you never thought you'd get a chance to be a father," the elven mage tried to sound positive. She hesitated. "Although I should probably warn you that Morrigan intends to leave after the battle and never come back."

"I certainly never thought I'd get a chance to be _my_ father who sired a bastard and then had nothing to do with it. With me," Alistair said bitterly as the memories of growing up unwanted invaded his thoughts.

"At least it won't be your fault she won't stay?" she tried again.

"I don't trust her," Alistair said bluntly. "She's evil."

"I know she can be abrasive at times and she may not be the most trustworthy person around," Caunira admitted, "but she's hardly evil."

"Caunira, don't take this the wrong way but you're hardly the best judge of evil," Alistair told he gently so as not to inadvertently offend. "I mean, your best friend is a dangerous maleficar that nearly doomed all of Redcliffe, got Connor possessed, and poisoned Arl Eamon."

Caunira rolled her eyes. "Look, he was only my best friend because the only other candidate was Angélique. Besides, Jowan's not evil, just physically incapable of making good choices."

"One could make the same argument about Morrigan," Alistair argued. "I might be willing to do this to save you – and that's a big _maybe_ – if it were anyone but Morrigan. Why can't you do it?"

"Because I'm female as well," Caunira said, looking like she was trying very hard not to sound like she thought he was being stupid which, to be fair, if he had actually been asking that he would have been.

"No, I mean: this is a magical ritual that can save us. Morrigan can do it because she's a mage. You are also a mage. Why can't you and I do the ritual?" Alistair asked reasonably.

Clearly Caunira disagreed with how sensible his question was, however, as she laughed. "What, you mean other than the fact that with the taint reducing the fertility of a Grey Warden the odds that two can have a child together, even with a magical ritual, are very, very low? Or the fact that I'm not even sure that this is a ritual that can be performed by anyone? Or the fact that I don't know how to do the ritual?"

"Well if the ritual can boost fertility for one Warden why not two? And it wouldn't hurt to try while sleeping with Morrigan would hurt. A lot. I might even cry," Alistair said earnestly. "And why wouldn't you be able to perform the ritual? Would it have some special requirement that you had to be human to do it or related to Flemeth? Maybe if the two species weren't compatible but elves and humans can have children together just fine."

Caunira's eyes hardened. "I know. _Human_ children. Forgive me for not being at all interested in aiding to the destruction of my race, Alistair. Besides, Morrigan said that she went along on this journey specifically to get this baby so that we wouldn't have a random stranger showing up here tonight after us not having seen her since Ostagar demanding a baby." Alistair had forgotten Caunira's distaste for elven-human (or elven-anything-that-didn't-happen-to-be-elven) relationships due to the children issue. He probably should have remembered, given his own disastrous attempt at courting her before she had practically ran into Zevran's arms. Not that he was bitter or anything.

"Can't you, I don't know, read ritual from one of her Grimoires?" Alistair asked hopefully. "Even if you won't do the ritual yourself you could at least see if there is more information on the ritual so I'll know if I'm going to be killing a baby's soul or setting forth a great evil or causing another Blight one day or…or…whatever!"

Caunira shook her head. "You don't get it, Alistair. If she knew about the ritual before coming and she only even saw the first one once our journey started and wasn't allowed to read the second one until we semi-killed her mother then she couldn't have learned about the ritual from the books."

She had a point. But still… "That doesn't mean that the ritual wasn't also recorded in one of the books."

"Maybe not," Caunira agreed. "But the books, even if I did succeed in stealing them, are written in a language I don't understand. Unless you think it's a good idea to ask Morrigan to try and teach me this language in one night so I can look for information she doesn't want me to have then I'm afraid I just don't see the point in doing so."

"You don't think Morrigan would be willing to help out?" Alistair asked, already knowing the answer.

Caunira laughed. "Please. She's been putting up with us for over a year because she wants this baby. Why would she just hand over the knowledge that we would need to do it without her? In fact, since it only requires one Grey Warden I might be able to do it with Zevran so it would be an elf and that would solve the 'can two Grey Wardens procreate' problem."

"I suppose I can't see her doing that," Alistair admitted. "But…surely there's some other way?"

"Of course there is," Caunira told him seriously. "And that's you getting left behind tomorrow while I go off and get myself killed so you get to blame yourself for the rest of your life as it will be all your fault as you couldn't just suck it up and sleep with Morrigan." A beat. "And I'm also making sure that everyone else knows this, too."

The thought of all their angry companions coming after him for Caunira's death was not a pleasant one. It might get him out of being King but it might not even be worth it. "Fine…Let's get this over with before I change my mind."

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